What Goes Around Comes Around!
April 2, 2026
Fond Remembrance:
I awoke the other night with a start from a dream that shook me to my bones. I dreamt an old friend visited me and asked me to remember him. He needn’t have worried, as he was a man I could never forget. His name was Lee. He was a gay man in a time of isolation and at least 30 years older than me. Lee lost his life partner to cancer. That loss brought him into my life.
When his beloved was in the ICU facing fear and uncertainty, Lee was not allowed to visit. At that time they were not able to be legally married and the ICU allowed family only visits. So he paced the hallways and cried, angry and alone. This was obviously an inhumane situation.
I met Lee when his partner was discharged from the ICU and brought to the nursing home where I was the Director. Lee asked me if he could stay the night with his partner who was now on hospice. I said yes and we got a roll-away bed for him to sleep on. He stayed with his beloved day and night, fed him, cried with him, and loved him steadfastly until the end.
After the funeral and his partner was buried, Lee came back to thank us and ask if he come to stay with us if the need arose. He told us he trusted us and appreciated all we did for him. I told him he would always be welcome. Lee came back as a resident in our nursing home less than two years later. He was debilitated and afraid, but now no longer alone.
Lee was a local amateur theater actor, director and audience member. He asked if we could do plays in the nursing home. I loved the idea and Lee and I set out to make it happen. Together with the resident group of actors we created original plays, made costumes and sets and took everyone on our bus to neighboring nursing homes to present our plays. Lee was an inspiration. Our aged audiences loved the novelty and engagement the plays brought to them. Our starring players enjoyed being prima donnas and Lee enjoyed being a demanding director. A win for everyone!
At the time I had a very old convertible sports car and Lee would beg me for rides. My family became his family until he died. He shared holiday meals with us and was my “backseat driving coach” until he passed away peacefully. About two months after his passing, an attorney brought me Lee’s ashes and a reading of his final wishes. He had a list of requests for me and I was to be the keeper and distributor of his ashes.
Lee felt betrayed by his community with all that he and his partner had experienced. He wanted a little retribution and had planned out a few acts of innocent insurrection that I was to carry out. Mind you, nothing that would hurt anyone else, but things that he needed to rest in peace. The library had found Lee too loud, too “opinioned” and actually at one point barred him from using it. This was infuriating to Lee and he sought justice. There was also a local pub/restaurant that had banned Lee for being demanding and loud. I had previously asked them to allow him one last visit with me before he died, they reluctantly agreed, but we did get lunch. He felt much better about them but they were still going to get a shot of payback.
Lee instructed me in his final wishes to keep his ashes until the time was right, which was up to me to determine. Then I was to go to a specific downtown area and put a spoonful of his ashes in each of the trees planted on main street. This was where the store he and his partner owned had been. I was also instructed to fertilize the rose bushes at the library with his ashes. This right time took quite a bit of time and a lot of bravado. How in God’s name was I to do this and not get arrested?
For several months the ashes remained on the bookshelf directly behind me at work. He liked the nursing home, so he stayed to tell me what to do. That was one of his strengths. Lee was always a hell raiser and I honored that. Finally, I got up the courage, shared what I had to do with my husband who graciously volunteered to assist me in my mission for Lee.
We went under the cover of darkness by motorcycle, dressed in black, carefully holding Lee with one hand. I brought a teaspoon for the ashes and that stayed in my pocket until we got downtown at 3:00 am in the pitch darkness. There were street lights, but the trees blocked a lot of their illumination. We put a spoonful of Lee in each tree on Main Street then quietly took the back streets to the Library. The rest of Lee was sprinkled in the Library roses and the spoon used to cover them with soil to keep them from blowing away.
Lee remained peacefully at rest until this recent dream. What I wish I could tell him is that he is always remembered, by me and my family. Sometimes, even though he is gone, I feel him next to me in my car. In my poetry I hear his critiques and in my doula work I know he was the beginning of it all. It’s funny how deeply love runs and how woven grief is into our lives.
When our current administration decided that diversity, equity, equality and inclusion should no longer be a part of our hiring and educating requirements and curriculum, a piece of my heart broke. I could not help but remember what happened to Lee and his Love. However, in my consulting and teaching work, I continue to see that not only has DEI not gone away, it has embedded into cultures and added more elements that I know Lee would have rejoiced in. Those elements are justice and belonging.
Doula groups are teaching these elements weaving them into their classes. They now include diversity, equity, equality, inclusion, justice and belonging (DEEIJB). I now also include DEEIJB in my MSU classes. My heart warms in both the remembrance of Lee and knowing that his inspiration helped to encourage my work and the work of others.
Lee will forever live on in my life, work and when he is riding with me in the car. We had that connection and peace. Lee was a hell-raising hero to me. RIP my dear friend. I truly hope you can see, “we’ve come a long way, baby!”
Yours as always,
Sandra (Sandy) Place
