Honoring Our Beloved Dead, Serving Up a Silent Supper

As the daylight shortens and leaves fall, we are reminded of the impermanence of our lives. The older we get, the more we feel the lost connection of those loved ones who have gone before us. There is no better time than this season of growing darkness and dropping temperatures to honor our ancestors. Which is exactly what our ancestors did for theirs.

Ancestral veneration has been performed as far back as 256 BC in the Zhou Dynasty of ancient China, during the neolithic period. However, almost every culture has shown some evidence of honoring their dead. It is nothing new to human beings, but the variety of ways this honoring is expressed is awe inspiring. Read the book “From Here to Eternity,” by Caitlin Doughty. Caitlin travels around the world to explore death, dying and ancestral veneration in a variety of cultures. The result is a captivating read.

This month’s blog will share a custom done in a variety of ways, but all with the intent of venerating our ancestors. Some ethnicities and spiritual groups include all of the Spirit world in this honoring, however for the average person, your own ancestors are the best place to begin.

In ancient Celtic cultures, Samhain (pronounced Sow-ehn), a precursor to our more candy oriented, commercialized Halloween celebration, was considered a celebration of the new year along with ancestor honoring. Often a part of this celebration was a “dumb dinner,” meaning the dining was done in silence. The Beloved Dead were honored at the table with a place setting, food served from their customary cultural cuisine, using the best dinnerware, and maintaining absolute silence during the meal. The silence showed respect and allowed them to listen for their loved ones presence. Since a large part of my ancestral heritage is from the Celtic regions, we honor our ancestors at the table on holidays with a plate of food for them.

Outlined below are the steps to consider when hosting a “Silent Supper” which some have begun to call this gathering as a more modern, respectful choice of language.

Step one: Cleanse the space in the way you feel is cleanest, ensuring it is  free of residual energies and feels warm and inviting. Do this the day before to give yourself more time. You want the people you invite to the Silent Supper to feel safe, receptive and warmed by the meal, not uncomfortable. Start now thinking about how you will gather folks to the table and what your invocation and invitation to the ancestors will be. Keep it in writing.

Step two: This will be completely determined by the space you have.  It would be lovely to have an empty chair next to each guest, but you may not have room for that. If you don’t, then use one chair to represent all of the ancestors for everyone.  Either way, use your best table décor, dinnerware, napkins, and glassware. If you have any antiques from your ancestors, use that tableware.

Set the table with candles and/or oil lit lanterns for lighting. Both are softer means of lighting and more inviting to the ancestors. Invite your guests to bring a photo of an ancestor that is meaningful to them to place on the table or near them during the dinner. Set a plate for the guest and a small plate for the guest’s ancestor.

Step three: Determine the foods you want to offer, based on the cultural preferences of your ancestors, your guests and the ancestors of your guests. You can make your Silent Supper a pot luck dinner and have each guest bring a dish representing their heritage. You could also theme the dinner by having them bring a favorite dish that an ancestor used to make for them. Chose the way that is most meaningful for the majority of your guests.

Step four:  Step four is the most important: initiating and enjoying the meal. The easiest way is to serve buffet style with some way to keep the food warm during the meal in case anyone wants seconds. You can, however, serve the meal in any way that works for you.

Gather folks to stand around the table with the use of voice or a singing bowl. The host will share a signal that any guest may use if they become uncomfortable for some reason. The host will have created this signal beforehand and share before the meal starts.

Remind guests to remain silent from the invocation until the host closes the dining experience with closing remarks or benediction. This silence can become quite heavy over the length of the dinner and as the ancestors are felt in the room. Remind guests where bathrooms are and ensure they have a pen and paper for them to message the host if they need to.

The invocation for the meal will call them to silence. During the invocation, the host will invite the ancestors who mean no harm to share the love at the table, recognize the meal is to honor them and ask them to make themselves known to their loved ones in a way that they can feel, understand and serves their souls. Remind guests to hold space for their ancestors, listen in the silence for the voice of or sign from their beloved dead. It is best to call ancestors of blood, ancestors of tradition, ancestors of adoption, etc. Be mindful that communication can come through any of the senses.

Guests will be released to the buffet line or invited to fill their plates after their ancestor’s plates are filled and are to return to the table in absolute silence. At the end of the dinner, the singing bowl, chimes, bell or voice can release the guests and vocalizations resume. Instruct the guests to thank the ancestors for sharing the meal with the group and any wisdom they may have bestowed. You may want to debrief their experiences at this time. You could offer journaling of the experience, for instance.

Step five: Clean up at the end of the dinner can be done in a variety of respectful ways. The first way is to simply leave the plates on the table. Guests silently leave the room with one last moment at the ancestors plate for thanks and goodbyes. The host will dispose of the food, sacredly honoring both the dinner ritual and environment. Guests take their plates to the counter or designated place.

Final thoughts on the Silent Supper

• Raise a toast to the ancestors
• Where to place and how to decorate the ancestral chair if you use one.
• Oftentimes the dessert is served first and if there are multiple courses, they are served backwards.
• Debrief the guest’s experience after you leave the table and move to another locale.
• Let the candles safely burn out on their own.

In closing

I think this quote is appropriate for the living and for our connection to the dead:

“A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”  ~ Rachel Naomi Remen

Enjoy the season! If you have the time and inclination, let me know if you try the Silent Supper and how it went at: sandy@asandyplace.com

Sandra (Sandy) L. Place